Spittlestoat, catenaliggette and other secrets behind mastering the new age of contemporary writing — Five minutes after signing the contract, I dropped to the floor, gasping for air. Next to being waterboarded as a Vietnam POW, I could tell that editing this manuscript was going to be the most horrendous experience of my life: Inquiring my well-wishers, which is the deadliest mistake as inherently…

And we liked it! — I don’t like things the way they are now. I wished they’d go back to the way they was. We’ve gotten too dang soft. We coddle our younguns and blame everbody but ourselves for our troubles. In my day, we took stock of our own lives, and we liked it! …

You too can become filthy rich by crafting exciting police, courtroom, and crime scene investigation television dramas — Prosecutor: “You killed her, didn’t you!” Defendant: “No, no. I’m innocent.” Prosecutor: “Admit it. Your DNA was all over the maid!” Defendant: “Alright, alright. I did it. Now, please. Let go of my throat.” There’s no secret to writing riveting screenplays for television. I should know. I’ve written thousands of…

Shut the lights off when you leave. I won’t be back — Even though I’m already straddling the age when men start dropping like flies, I still haven’t drawn up a will. If I suddenly meet with my demise, no one will know what do to with all my earthly belongings after I’m dead. So, I thought I’d take this opportunity to…

And take my ten-pound bag of clumped together ice cubes with you — Me: I’d like to return this bag of ice cubes. Walmart: Yes, sir. I’m sorry to hear that your Walmart purchase wasn’t satisfactory. Do you have your receipt? M: Yes, it’s right here. W: Fine. Now, what was it you want to return? M: A bag of ice cubes. W…

Large Asian serpents join feral hogs, swamp rats and maggots on restaurant menus — Daisy slithered out the back door last night. Just like her uncle Bert did during the summer of ’79. If it weren’t for the fact that she’s an adorable eighteen-foot-long Burmese python weighing nearly 300 pounds, none of Daisy’s neighbors probably would have cared. …

Make sure you read the brochure before you go — “It’s about time you got here,” said God. “Sorry, man. I would have been here earlier, but there was a humongous traffic accident on I-70 on my way out of town. Actually, it was MY accident, but you probably already know that.” He did. After all, he was God. The…

But you’ll have to read it to find out — I hate commercials. Thirty seconds after you watch them, you can’t remember who made them or what they were about. But I do have to admit that Rocket Mortgage™ has me hooked. The mortgage company’s recent spate of commercials featuring actor/comedian Tracy Morgan touts, “When it comes to home buying…

What to do when you’re too young, inept and lazy to feed yourself — As a rambunctious kid growing up in southern California, I was lucky enough to live at home under the loving dictatorship of two middle-income parents. …