Humor

The inordinate amount of time visiting restrooms during business hours is about to stop!

Photo by Olivier Collet on Unsplash

It has come to my attention that employees have been wasting an inordinate amount of time visiting the restroom during business hours. Up until now, Acme Office Supplies has allowed unlimited visits, with no accounting for lost work time while using the facilities.

That’s about to change.

Beginning on Monday, visits to the restrooms will be limited to a maximum of two, ten-minute visits per visit per employee — one visit in the morning and one in the afternoon. Each visit begins the moment the employee leaves their desk and ends when they return. It includes travel time to and…


Humor

How Madison Avenue crafts innovative product descriptions to get you to buy everything you don’t need

Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

While rummaging through my old junk drawer, I came across one of my prized possessions: a space-aged ballpoint pen that writes upside down, endorsed by NASA. Back in 1965, it was the must-have accessory of the times. Not only could you use it to write letters while lying in bed, but you could also use it to write in zero gravity while submerged in water.

For the life of me, I can’t think of a single situation I’ve been in when I’ve needed to write a letter upside down, underwater, and in zero gravity. …


Entertainment

And went on to win a lovely Naugahyde briefcase

Photo courtesy of ABC News

I was abducted by The Dating Game during the spring of 1972 and went missing for over a month. The Dating Game was the televised equivalent of Match.com, back before the internet was even a twinkle in Al Gore’s eyes. Produced by Chuck Barris — who went on to popularize other mega-hits like, The Gong Show, How’s Your Mother-in-law? and The Newlywed Game — it first aired on December 20, 1965, and was televised off and on until the late 1980s.

At the time, I was a daft twenty-one-year-old ski instructor living in a mountain community outside of L.A., so…


Medicine

Your chance to get a lap dance, colonoscopy, or early parole — for free!

Photo by Alfonso Scarpa on Unsplash

St. Louis, MO — Anheuser-Busch Companies, famous for brewing beer, malt beverages, energy drinks, and bottled water, announced today that it would be hopping on the bandwagon in support of President Biden’s push to get 70% of American adults at least partially vaccinated by Independence Day.

“Anheuser-Busch announced that the beer’s on them on July the Fourth,”

“Anheuser-Busch announced that the beer’s on them on July the Fourth,” said Mr. Biden at the White House on Wednesday. “That’s right. Get a shot and have a beer! Free beer for everyone 21 years or over to celebrate independence from the virus.”…


Online dating advice

How to create a winning profile and score hot chicks on internet dating sites… until they pull the plug

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Dating headline: Tom Selleck Look-a-like In Search of Love

For fun

I enjoy risky activities like running with scissors, skydiving without a chute, and guessing women’s weight. I like doing things in dark, damp places and want to find someone who enjoys the same. I love the ocean and dream of opening a five-star skincare clinic at the trendy Paranur Gandhi Leprosy Colony in Hawaii. Like my parole officer, I feel that if you find the right vocation, your job and your hobbies become one in the same.

My job

I work as a telemarketer for a cemetery. Calling people at dinner time to discuss their immediate plans after death has helped me…


Personal Hygiene

And other important product descriptions you may have missed

Photo by Mitchell Orr on Unsplash

Mitchum Antiperspirant: Remove the cap from the top of the product casing. Twist the knob at the bottom of the container counter-clockwise, until the product begins to ooze from the small holes at the top of the dispenser. While holding the dispenser in your right hand, lift your left elbow away from your naked body until your upper arm is parallel to the floor.

Point the tip of the dispenser toward your underarm at a 45-degree angle where your upper arm and torso meet (armpit). Press the dispenser firmly against your skin while dragging the applicator down, applying a thin…


Celebrations

I just don’t have the time

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

Next to having a root canal or prostate exam, I can’t imagine anything more abhorrent than spending an hour standing in front of a sea of birthday cards, trying to decide on the one that best says, “Happy birthday, Mom!”

It’s not the cost. After all, most greeting cards will only lighten your wallet by a few bucks. No, it’s dog-paddling through the overwhelming tsunami of listless verbiage that makes me wish I had followed through with that experimental corneal transplant, afterall.

To be fair, greeting card makers do try to help by dividing them into sections like, “For Dads,”…


Why you should never leave a ruptured spleen under your pillow

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

I was first introduced to the practice of exchanging teeth for money when I was five years old. My mother promised me if I put a tooth under my pillow, a magical entity called the Tooth Fairy would visit me while I slept, leaving a dime in its place. Which, in the 1950s, was a pretty decent exchange rate.

No one really knows much about the Tooth Fairy — what religious sect she belongs to or even what she looks like. She’s not celebrated with a holiday, preferring instead to work surreptitiously on a freelance, on-call basis. …


Repairs and technology

They’re working hard to keep you in the dark

Photo by Sammy Williams on Unsplash

The dentist’s office is a place where I’ll go in for a simple tooth cleaning, and find out I need my entire jaw reconstructed. Plumbers have mastered the “long, slow whistle,” and auto mechanics are masters of, “Well, there’s good news and bad news.” Your computer repairman can lapse into a string of vernacular that would leave Stephen Hawking in the dust.

The Ice Maker from Hell

“Well, I can go ahead and connect the ice maker for you, but it’ll be expensive. …


Exposing the underbelly of teaching guests how to ski

Photo by Eirik Uhlen on Unsplash

Dear Rex,

Thank you for your caring letter of March 27th. I hope your fractured leg has healed and the skin grafts have finally taken. After all of the tissue rejection problems you experienced while on vacation here, a little good news would certainly be in order.

Since your unfortunate accident in our “breakthrough” class, we’ve made a number of curriculum changes. I thought I’d share some of them with you, so you’ll know what to expect next year.

First, we’ve dropped cliff jumping from the beginner’s class. The attrition rate was just too high. And by popular demand, we’ve…

Allen R Smith

Allen Smith is an award-winning writer living in Oceanside, California and has published thousands of articles for print, the web and social media.

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