I don’t like things the way they are now. I wished they’d go back to the way they was. We’ve gotten too dang soft. We coddle our younguns and blame everbody but ourselves for our troubles. In my day, we took stock for our own lives, and we liked it!
In my day we knew how to talk to people. We didn’t have no stinkin’ internet super-highway, social media, appmachallits or any of that other crap people use nowadays. If we wanted ta talk to someone down at the feed store, we just drove down there and talked to ’em…
Prosecutor: “You killed her, didn’t you!”
Defendant: “No, no. I’m innocent.”
Prosecutor: “Admit it. Your DNA was all over the maid!”
Defendant: “Alright, alright. I did it. Now, please. Let go of my throat.”
There’s no secret to writing riveting screenplays for television. I should know. I’ve written thousands of them. From Naked Homicide and The Streets of Wichita, Kansas to every conceivable flavor of Law & Order and CSI series known to man. I’ve won 37 Emmys, 15 Golden Globes and have been nominated for more than a dozen Academy Awards, 6 Tonys, and 3 Grammys.
But, as I…
Even though I’m already straddling the age when men start dropping like flies, I still haven’t drawn up a will. If I suddenly meet with my demise, no one will know what do to with all my earthly belongings after I’m dead. So, I thought I’d take this opportunity to spell out my final wishes. All of you survivors can fight over who gets to implement them.
Granted, there’s not much to haggle over. …
Me: I’d like to return this bag of ice cubes.
Walmart: Yes, sir. I’m sorry to hear that your Walmart purchase wasn’t satisfactory. Do you have your receipt?
M: Yes, it’s right here.
W: Fine. Now, what was it you want to return?
M: A bag of ice cubes.
W: Did you buy the bag of iced cubes at a store or online?
M: I bought it here.
W: I see. Do you have the original packaging?
M: Yes. It’s right here.
W: Fine. I see the plastic bag, but where are the ice cubes?
M: Well, they used to…
Daisy slithered out the back door last night. Just like her uncle Bert did during the summer of ’79.
If it weren’t for the fact that she’s an adorable eighteen-foot-long Burmese python weighing nearly 300 pounds, none of Daisy’s neighbors probably would have cared. But when she quickly gobbled up all the neighborhood foxes, limpkins, and rabbits, things quickly took a turn for the worse.
Overnight, raccoon sightings were down by 99.3%, opossums by 98.9%, and white-tailed deer by 94.1%. She’s even been known to take down animals as large as alligators, deer, and powerboats with outboard Evinrudes.
“It’s about time you got here,” said God.
“Sorry, man. I would have been here earlier, but there was a humongous traffic accident on I-70 on my way out of town. Actually, it was MY accident, but you probably already know that.”
He did. After all, he was God.
The whole affair started late one Friday afternoon on my way out of town to go skiing. The blizzard tangled up traffic for miles, with motorists ricocheting off of each other, against the center divider like pin balls. …
I hate commercials. Thirty seconds after you watch them, you can’t remember who made them or what they were about. But I do have to admit that Rocket Mortgage™ has me hooked.
The mortgage company’s recent spate of commercials featuring actor/comedian Tracy Morgan touts, “When it comes to home buying or refinancing, ‘pretty sure’ isn’t sure enough.”
I’m pretty sure I can come up with a slew of other uses for the riff:
· I’m pretty sure your nipples won’t show in that bikini.
· I’m pretty sure I can give you a tattoo.
· I’m pretty sure you’re supposed…
As a rambunctious kid growing up in southern California, I was lucky enough to live at home under the loving dictatorship of two middle-income parents. In exchange for a few menial tasks like mowing the lawn, pulling weeds and cleaning out the septic tank, my parents gave me a comfortable place to live, a weekly allowance and sound nutrition through three home-cooked meals.
After I joined the Navy, it still didn’t dawn on me that I couldn’t cook. Why would it? Throughout the day, we sauntered over to the mess hall, grabbed a dented aluminum tray, a knife and spork…
Lausanne, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee (IOC) stunned the sports world this week by announcing that beginning with the 2024 Summer Olympic Games in Paris, France, they will be changing the line-up of some of the more traditional summer events in favor of newer, more exciting competitions meant to capture the hearts of both the athletes and the viewing public.
“The aging menu of our current athletic events in combination with the recent banning of in-person spectators have caused us to take another look at our current list of Olympic events,” said IOC President Thomas Bach. “I mean, hey…
Every year after winning the Pulitzer Prize for humor, I’m besieged with questions from new writers about how I went about writing my award-winning humor pieces. They run the gamut from “What in the world were you thinking?” to “Were you drunk when you wrote that?”
So, to clear up the confusion, I thought I’d take a moment to offer a few suggestions on how to write stunning humor pieces, unlike anything people have seen before.