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Allen Smith is an award-winning writer living in Oceanside, California and has published thousands of articles for print, the web and social media.

LIFESTYLE/HUMOR

And we liked it!

Photo courtesy of FirstPost

I don’t like things the way they are now. I wished they’d go back to the way they was. We’ve gotten too dang soft. We coddle our younguns and blame everbody but ourselves for our troubles. In my day, we took stock for our own lives, and we liked it!

In my day we knew how to talk to people. We didn’t have no stinkin’ internet super-highway, social media, appmachallits or any of that other crap people use nowadays. If we wanted ta talk to someone down at the feed store, we just drove down there and talked to ’em…


CRIME DRAMA/HUMOR

You too can become filthy rich by crafting exciting police, courtroom, and crime scene investigation television dramas

Courtesy Wallpaperflare

Prosecutor: “You killed her, didn’t you!”

Defendant: “No, no. I’m innocent.”

Prosecutor: “Admit it. Your DNA was all over the maid!”

Defendant: “Alright, alright. I did it. Now, please. Let go of my throat.”

There’s no secret to writing riveting screenplays for television. I should know. I’ve written thousands of them. From Naked Homicide and The Streets of Wichita, Kansas to every conceivable flavor of Law & Order and CSI series known to man. I’ve won 37 Emmys, 15 Golden Globes and have been nominated for more than a dozen Academy Awards, 6 Tonys, and 3 Grammys.

But, as I…


DEATH AND PUBLICITY

Shut the lights off when you leave. I won’t be back

Courtesy Walt Disney Corporation

Even though I’m already straddling the age when men start dropping like flies, I still haven’t drawn up a will. If I suddenly meet with my demise, no one will know what do to with all my earthly belongings after I’m dead. So, I thought I’d take this opportunity to spell out my final wishes. All of you survivors can fight over who gets to implement them.

My final wishes… a summary

Granted, there’s not much to haggle over. …


CONSUMERS/HUMOR

And take my ten-pound bag of clumped together ice cubes with you

Credit: Tetra Images/Getty Images

Me: I’d like to return this bag of ice cubes.

Walmart: Yes, sir. I’m sorry to hear that your Walmart purchase wasn’t satisfactory. Do you have your receipt?

M: Yes, it’s right here.

W: Fine. Now, what was it you want to return?

M: A bag of ice cubes.

W: Did you buy the bag of iced cubes at a store or online?

M: I bought it here.

W: I see. Do you have the original packaging?

M: Yes. It’s right here.

W: Fine. I see the plastic bag, but where are the ice cubes?

M: Well, they used to…


FINE DINING/HUMOR

Large Asian serpents join feral hogs, swamp rats and maggots on restaurant menus

Photo by KoolShooters from Pexels

Daisy slithered out the back door last night. Just like her uncle Bert did during the summer of ’79.

If it weren’t for the fact that she’s an adorable eighteen-foot-long Burmese python weighing nearly 300 pounds, none of Daisy’s neighbors probably would have cared. But when she quickly gobbled up all the neighborhood foxes, limpkins, and rabbits, things quickly took a turn for the worse.

Overnight, raccoon sightings were down by 99.3%, opossums by 98.9%, and white-tailed deer by 94.1%.[1] She’s even been known to take down animals as large as alligators, deer, and powerboats with outboard Evinrudes.

More than…


SPIRITUALITY/HUMOR

Make sure you read the brochure before you go

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

“It’s about time you got here,” said God.

“Sorry, man. I would have been here earlier, but there was a humongous traffic accident on I-70 on my way out of town. Actually, it was MY accident, but you probably already know that.”

He did. After all, he was God.

The whole affair started late one Friday afternoon on my way out of town to go skiing. The blizzard tangled up traffic for miles, with motorists ricocheting off of each other, against the center divider like pin balls. …


Advertising/humor

But you’ll have to read it to find out

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

I hate commercials. Thirty seconds after you watch them, you can’t remember who made them or what they were about. But I do have to admit that Rocket Mortgage™ has me hooked.

The mortgage company’s recent spate of commercials featuring actor/comedian Tracy Morgan touts, “When it comes to home buying or refinancing, ‘pretty sure’ isn’t sure enough.”

I’m pretty sure I can come up with a slew of other uses for the riff:

Clothing & Fashion

· I’m pretty sure your nipples won’t show in that bikini.

· I’m pretty sure I can give you a tattoo.

· I’m pretty sure you’re supposed…


Nutrition/humor

What to do when you’re too young, inept and lazy to feed yourself

Photo courtesy of General Mills

As a rambunctious kid growing up in southern California, I was lucky enough to live at home under the loving dictatorship of two middle-income parents. In exchange for a few menial tasks like mowing the lawn, pulling weeds and cleaning out the septic tank, my parents gave me a comfortable place to live, a weekly allowance and sound nutrition through three home-cooked meals.

After I joined the Navy, it still didn’t dawn on me that I couldn’t cook. Why would it? Throughout the day, we sauntered over to the mess hall, grabbed a dented aluminum tray, a knife and spork…


Sports/humor

The International Olympic Committee announces the new line-up of events for the Paris 2024 Olympic Games!

Photo courtesy of @knelle via Instagram

Lausanne, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee (IOC) stunned the sports world this week by announcing that beginning with the 2024 Summer Olympic Games in Paris, France, they will be changing the line-up of some of the more traditional summer events in favor of newer, more exciting competitions meant to capture the hearts of both the athletes and the viewing public.

“The aging menu of our current athletic events in combination with the recent banning of in-person spectators have caused us to take another look at our current list of Olympic events,” said IOC President Thomas Bach. “I mean, hey…


Writing/humor

An award-winning author shares how to find humor in everything you write

Photo by Tim Hüfner on Unsplash

Every year after winning the Pulitzer Prize for humor, I’m besieged with questions from new writers about how I went about writing my award-winning humor pieces. They run the gamut from “What in the world were you thinking?” to “Were you drunk when you wrote that?”

So, to clear up the confusion, I thought I’d take a moment to offer a few suggestions on how to write stunning humor pieces, unlike anything people have seen before.

What most non-writers don’t know is writing brilliant humor pieces is infinitely harder than writing non-fiction. The best humor pieces are steeped in research…

Allen R Smith

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